I’ve been trying to write this piece for years and never successfully completed the mission. My difficulty lies in my desire to tell the truth without telling the whole truth, and I’ve never found a way to do both that pleased me. I think I may have found a way.
I am at home in Cedar Rapids for a few days visiting my mother. As I travel around town every street is familiar to me and has a memory associated with it. There are plenty of good memories, but it is the bad ones that haunt me. The memories aren’t “somebody done me wrong” stories; I think I’ve pretty much forgiven anybody who did me wrong years ago. The stores that haunt me are when I did wrong, and I have not forgiven myself.
At one moment I am castigating myself for how I behaved. I should have known better. I should have done better. How could I be such a dumbass? And then I try to cut myself some slack by acknowledging that I was just a kid, and I didn’t know any better, and therefore couldn’t have done any better, and hindsight is 20/20. And then I swing back the other direction again thinking that any fool should have known better and done better. Back and forth it goes, neither side ever winning the argument, and never achieving peace.
My memories are all the typical “young person coming of age” stories that we see all the time in “teen” movies. We laugh with embarrassment at the characters in the movies because we recognize ourselves in them. They (we) are so young, foolish, and insensitive that their actions are hilarious. Well, it isn’t so funny when you are the subject of your own story.
Lest I give you the wrong impression, I did okay. It's just that in hindsight I realize I should have done so much better. I wasn’t a criminal. I was simply guilty of the typical naïve stuff depicted in teen movies; at least I hope it is typical stuff and try to reassure myself that that is so. I think most of the stories fall into one or more of these teen-angst movie topics.
Young person seeking acceptance from his peers
Young person and cliques
Young person experiencing acceptance and exclusion
Young person managing first close personal relationships
Young person acting foolishly
Young person seeking athletic achievement
Young person seeking musical achievement
Young person meets success
Young person meets failure
and handling it all like a rookie, which was eminently true.
I could spend a good deal of space here continuing the exercise in verbal self-flagellation in an attempt to convince you, and myself, that my remorse is real, but then you’d want to know my specific screw-ups, and I am not going to torture myself with the specifics. I do enough of that to myself already. The truth is that none of us is born with all the skills we need. I just want the kids to know that none of us is born fully formed and we all make mistakes in our learning years.
“Good decisions come from experience,
and experience comes from bad decisions.”
Keep that in mind.
Anyway, that is why I don't like going home, because I am forced to remember who I used to be, and that guy embarrasses me.
You would not believe how much I sweated over that piece. I was tempted to delete it last night before anyone had a chance to read it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to admit, or for anyone to know, that I was a dumbass, yet I suspect that reflection is a near-universal truth, so felt I should say it out loud. Mom and I have talked about it many times, how she is no longer the shy little girl called “Jeannie” who grew up in little Nora Springs. She is a completely new and improved entity, as are you, and as am I. We love going home, but also dread it, as we are forced to remember earlier versions of ourselves that we don’t really care for or like.
ReplyDeleteRelease those memories and be kind to yourself. Learning to release is as important as any lesson from those experiences. Release and enjoy your visits home.
ReplyDelete