I kept a journal as part of a writing class in high school. It was a pleasant assignment. The journal was just a place to write down thoughts, ideas, and feelings. A blog seems similar in nature; a little bit like a diary, only public. I liked writing that journal because it did not require the same effort as formal papers and short stories. Just like Forrest Gump “just ran”, in a journal, you just write.
My original intent with this blog was to write down a bunch of stories about our kids. However, I am not sure that they would appreciate seeing their childhood in public print, so I have chilled that thought for the moment. Perhaps I should get their approval before I proceed.
So far I have only written one story about an incident at soccer practice involving my son, John, when he was in elementary school. I am not happy with the way the story is written, and may never be, so you do not see it in this blog. It was in the process of rewriting that story for the umpteenth time that I came to appreciate the dilemma of writers. How to they ever determine that the piece of work is finished?
I spent forever writing that soccer story, dithering over every word. If I spent the time to work on the story until I was happy with it I would never get another thing written. I changed every word at least twice and I am still not happy with it. Someone with a modest knowledge of grammar is likely to discover a host of improprieties.
So there is a stage fright factor. What if the readers, both of you, find out I am an imposter? I am not a writer. I write computer queries. I write SQL. I develop policies and procedures. I manage people and an office budget. My real-life writing experience consists of annual reports, executive summaries, and programming specifications. I studied math and physics, not English.
Like most people, I am a bit self-conscious. I’d like the readers of this blog to think that I am smarter than I am, or at least make a favorable impression. What if I am actually exposing my ignorance through poor writing but I don’t even know how poor my writing is?
Anyway, I really need to get over all that, or just not give a damn.
Run Forrest, Run!
Write, Tom, Write.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Parenting Wisdom
Today I am going to indulge myself and write up some of the principles Jean and I used raising two of the most incredible children I have had the pleasure to know. Parents want their children to be better than they are. I know that mine are. They tell me that all the time.
35 years old
Keep in mind what you want your child to be like when they are 35 years old. Your goal is to raise a self-sufficient adult of good character. Each decision you make while raising your kid should have that goal at its foundation. You are not going to be here forever, your days are numbered, so get the job done sooner rather than later. Before you know it they will be going off to college and you will be left wondering whether you instructed them properly on a host of subjects.
Unified Front
You have to agree on the rules as a couple and stick to them. You cannot have differences. Kids are smart and will manipulate the hell out of the weaker partner. Stand together and support each other. This is a team effort and you will have a better chance of surviving those devious little demons if you keep that in mind. Children are born savages and you have 18 years to civilize them before unleashing them on an unsuspecting world.
Role Model
Your kids are watching you and learning from you all the time. They are the world’s greatest mimics. They are going to become you Be careful what you do. Be careful what you say. You are going to see yourself through your child’s behavior. So don’t just set high standards for them. Set high standards for yourself. Some day your kid is going to say “Oh my god, I’ve become my father!” Behave in such a way that they will be proud to make that statement.
Administer physical punishment when your authority is challenged
Childish irresponsibility is one thing; you don’t spank kids for accidents like spilled milk. However, when they defy your authority you must take swift and decisive action. This is an absolute must if you are to be in command of your own household. If you do not meet their defiance decisively, your child will soon be in command of you and the house. Don’t be a wimp. If in doubt, err on the side of reaffirming your authority with a mild swat on the backside. You have to win these battles when they are little. You cannot wait until they are teenagers and bigger than you are and then attempt to establish who is in charge!
There is an important difference in being liked versus being respected. It is human nature to want to be liked. We want our children to like us. The danger is to neglect disciplining our children in an effort to be liked. It isn’t important whether or not your child likes you. If you are going to correctly discipline your child there are going to be plenty of occasions when they do not like you. You need to get comfortable with their occasional displeasure and take it as a sign that you are doing your job correctly. What you actually want is to be respected.
One finger on the car
When you are in big parking lots unloading kids, strollers, diaper bags, and other gear, you don’t want the kids wandering around the parking lot getting run over. First of all, park out a little ways from the store to limit the traffic around your rug rats. The exercise will be good for you and the kids. When you get the kids out of the car insist that they keep one finger touching the car at all times until you put them in the buggy, stroller, or are ready to hold their hands and walk into the store. Since this can literally be a matter of life and death, you have to insist on absolute obedience. If they should remove their finger for an instant, it should merit a mild swat on the backside to get their attention. Kids are smart. They will quickly get the correlation that they do not get swatted if they keep their hands on the car, and quickly get swatted when not touching the car.
Bedtime secret missions
The fictional Mary Poppins was successful because she made a game out of everything. When it is time to pick up the toys at night, whisper to them what color toys to pick up and NOT TELL MOM. Then give them the mission of putting on their PJ bottoms only and report back to the living room. Putting on their tops backwards could be the next mission, or putting on each other’s tops, or bringing their tops downstairs and dressing each other. They could walk backwards to Mom and give her a hug. Just be imaginative and break it down to many steps that last a long time giving both parents a break and keeping the kids entertained. Not telling the other parent what they are up to seems to be the best part of the exercise. Don’t get them all cranked up and excited. They are supposed to be calming down for bed.
Routine
Routines are important. Your life will be easier if you have a number of routines in your daily schedule. Kids learn fast. Bedtime needs to be the same time every night. Be as consistent as you can, but don’t be an absolute slave to routine. Routines can minimize the number of battles you have to face each day. Routines make your life more pleasant. Routines make their life more pleasant.
Expectations versus surprises
This is a corollary to routines. Kids don’t like surprises. Let them know what to expect. They can adjust if they know what is going on. Let the kids know what is coming up well in advance. Remind them that you are all going to be doing “X” in 30 minutes. Repeat the reminder as time passes with suggestions that lead toward finishing their current activity and towards being ready for what comes next. If it is a trip, have them get whatever gear they need and want for the trip so they are ready to go at the planned departure time. You need to think ahead for your kids. You have to tell them what you want and when you want it. Be a leader. It’s your job as parent.
Be careful what rules you set and what orders you issue
When you issue rules that say “if you do X, then Y will happen”, you have to follow through. Consistency is everything. You have to keep your word. Don’t make threats, idle or otherwise. Think of them as promises, because you are dedicated to keeping your word and delivering the promised punishment.
Non-specific punishments for older children
With older children, try not to issue rules like “if you do X, then Y will happen”. These statements lock you into a specific course of action. Circumstances can get complicated and you might like some leeway in the punishment. These kinds of rules also give the child a chance to weigh the punishment against the offense. For example, “Dad said if I came home after 11 pm he would ground me for a week. I have a term paper due next Monday anyway and need to stay home and work on it, so I will break the curfew and stay out until 2am tonight.” If you leave the punishment unspecified, they have no idea how severe or light it will be. More often than not, they will imagine a more horrible punishment than you would have thought of anyway, and obedience is therefore more likely.
Let your child suggest their own punishment
But don’t abdicate your authority and responsibility.
Be diligent about enforcing your rules in public as well as at home
Some kids discover that mom and dad are reluctant to spank them when they are in public, so misbehave just because they can. You have to exercise your authority (spank) at the library, grocery store, and church just as you do at home. You cannot be embarrassed to discipline your child in a public setting. In fact, you should be embarrassed NOT to discipline your child in a public setting. Other parents will nod their heads knowingly if you do your job as a parent.
Eat some of everything.
This is another battle to be won early to avoid misery later on. It will not hurt your kid to miss a meal, or two. Insist that they eat some of everything. You decide how much. It’s okay for them to have likes and dislikes. If they refuse to eat something, it is not a spanking offense. They simply do not get dessert, or any snacks, or a beverage other than water until the next meal. You put the untouched item away and you bring it out for the next meal. They don’t get to eat anything at the next meal until they have eaten a sufficient quantity of the untouched item. This teaches them that they might as well eat it the first time around. It is quite a sight when the child refuses to eat any broccoli at night, and then is required to eat it in the morning for breakfast. It is also quite instructive when they refuse something at lunch, and then don’t get a snack or soft-drink mid-afternoon with their siblings, end up quite hungry by dinner, and then have to eat what they previously refused. If they are hungry enough, they will eat anything.
Taking parenting classes at every opportunity
When the kids were growing up we took every parenting class we could find. We attended several classes through our church. I attended a class for fathers through the elementary school. We went to a class on “The Strong Willed Child”. Even if your kid is not “strong willed”, kids will challenge you sufficiently that a class like this is well worth the time. Hell, ALL kids are strong willed, ask any parent. Each age has its own special challenges and you cannot be too prepared. Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. Go to class.
Catch your kids being good and praise them for it. Reward good behavior.
Speak highly of your kids to others, especially when your kids can overhear the conversation. It gives them motivation
Eat dinner as a family
Schedules can get wild and crazy as the kids get involved in activities, but make this a priority. If you search the web you will find there is substantial research supporting the many positive effects of the family meal. Good grades and good behavior have a high correlation coefficient to the family meal. The cause and effect may be the other way around. It may be that good families who are raising good children generally have a family dinner. That’s fine with me.
Turn off the TV and teach your kids to have an adult conversation. Ask them about their day and encourage them to share their successes and failures. Don’t be critical or they will learn to keep their failures secret from you. You want completely open communication with your children. Don’t punish them for delivering bad news or you will never hear anything but good news in the future. This is just hiding from reality.
Apologize
You are going to make mistakes. Apologize to your children. Don’t pretend that the rules of society and proper behavior don’t apply to you. When you screw up, apologize. Explain what you did and how it was wrong. Parents already appear to be god-like to children. Teach them that you are human by apologizing for your mistakes. Let them learn from your mistakes as well as their own. This is another step towards the respect you seek.
Speak correctly
Use age appropriate words. Talk in sentences. Let your kids learn English by speaking correctly. People don’t say “goo-goo” and other baby gibberish. Your kid is supposed to mimic you, not the other way around.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Get in the habit early so it is easy and natural during the high-stakes teenage years.
Insist that your kids behave as courteously to you as they would to a neighbor.
Just because you are a family doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful. Because you are all living together in one house it is all the more important to observe common courtesies and civil behavior.
Never shout.
Is it even necessary to say that? You can say something with great fervor in a soft voice. Your kid’s hearing is just fine. Shouting is verbal abuse in my book.
Keep your temper
Your kids will try to make you lose your temper. If they succeed, they will have exercised their control of you. “Look what I made Dad do. I made him lose his temper”. Keep your cool. Be an adult.
Never discipline kids when angry
Disciplining when angry can lead to, or be perceived as, violence, which is child abuse. You need to be able to calmly explain the offense, what should have been done, and the corrective action you are taking. While it is best to discipline offenses immediately so the child gets the correlation between the two, if you are too angry, explain this to the child and remove yourself until you are calm.
Have fun
Get in touch with your inner child and think up activities that would be fun for kids. Go places. Do things. Find abnormal ways of do normal things. Normal is boring. Abnormal is fun. Start a worm farm. Catch bugs. Eat cake without hands or feet. Be creative.
I am sure there is more if I think about it, but I am tired of thinking about it and I am tired of the topic. This took several days to write. Maybe I will come back to this another time. Perhaps my family will read this someday and remind me of other pearls of wisdom. There are plenty of parenting books on the shelves of libraries and bookstores that are written by experts. I am just a dad with two of the greatest kids on the planet. What do I know? (Dads are like that)
35 years old
Keep in mind what you want your child to be like when they are 35 years old. Your goal is to raise a self-sufficient adult of good character. Each decision you make while raising your kid should have that goal at its foundation. You are not going to be here forever, your days are numbered, so get the job done sooner rather than later. Before you know it they will be going off to college and you will be left wondering whether you instructed them properly on a host of subjects.
Unified Front
You have to agree on the rules as a couple and stick to them. You cannot have differences. Kids are smart and will manipulate the hell out of the weaker partner. Stand together and support each other. This is a team effort and you will have a better chance of surviving those devious little demons if you keep that in mind. Children are born savages and you have 18 years to civilize them before unleashing them on an unsuspecting world.
Role Model
Your kids are watching you and learning from you all the time. They are the world’s greatest mimics. They are going to become you Be careful what you do. Be careful what you say. You are going to see yourself through your child’s behavior. So don’t just set high standards for them. Set high standards for yourself. Some day your kid is going to say “Oh my god, I’ve become my father!” Behave in such a way that they will be proud to make that statement.
Administer physical punishment when your authority is challenged
Childish irresponsibility is one thing; you don’t spank kids for accidents like spilled milk. However, when they defy your authority you must take swift and decisive action. This is an absolute must if you are to be in command of your own household. If you do not meet their defiance decisively, your child will soon be in command of you and the house. Don’t be a wimp. If in doubt, err on the side of reaffirming your authority with a mild swat on the backside. You have to win these battles when they are little. You cannot wait until they are teenagers and bigger than you are and then attempt to establish who is in charge!
There is an important difference in being liked versus being respected. It is human nature to want to be liked. We want our children to like us. The danger is to neglect disciplining our children in an effort to be liked. It isn’t important whether or not your child likes you. If you are going to correctly discipline your child there are going to be plenty of occasions when they do not like you. You need to get comfortable with their occasional displeasure and take it as a sign that you are doing your job correctly. What you actually want is to be respected.
One finger on the car
When you are in big parking lots unloading kids, strollers, diaper bags, and other gear, you don’t want the kids wandering around the parking lot getting run over. First of all, park out a little ways from the store to limit the traffic around your rug rats. The exercise will be good for you and the kids. When you get the kids out of the car insist that they keep one finger touching the car at all times until you put them in the buggy, stroller, or are ready to hold their hands and walk into the store. Since this can literally be a matter of life and death, you have to insist on absolute obedience. If they should remove their finger for an instant, it should merit a mild swat on the backside to get their attention. Kids are smart. They will quickly get the correlation that they do not get swatted if they keep their hands on the car, and quickly get swatted when not touching the car.
Bedtime secret missions
The fictional Mary Poppins was successful because she made a game out of everything. When it is time to pick up the toys at night, whisper to them what color toys to pick up and NOT TELL MOM. Then give them the mission of putting on their PJ bottoms only and report back to the living room. Putting on their tops backwards could be the next mission, or putting on each other’s tops, or bringing their tops downstairs and dressing each other. They could walk backwards to Mom and give her a hug. Just be imaginative and break it down to many steps that last a long time giving both parents a break and keeping the kids entertained. Not telling the other parent what they are up to seems to be the best part of the exercise. Don’t get them all cranked up and excited. They are supposed to be calming down for bed.
Routine
Routines are important. Your life will be easier if you have a number of routines in your daily schedule. Kids learn fast. Bedtime needs to be the same time every night. Be as consistent as you can, but don’t be an absolute slave to routine. Routines can minimize the number of battles you have to face each day. Routines make your life more pleasant. Routines make their life more pleasant.
Expectations versus surprises
This is a corollary to routines. Kids don’t like surprises. Let them know what to expect. They can adjust if they know what is going on. Let the kids know what is coming up well in advance. Remind them that you are all going to be doing “X” in 30 minutes. Repeat the reminder as time passes with suggestions that lead toward finishing their current activity and towards being ready for what comes next. If it is a trip, have them get whatever gear they need and want for the trip so they are ready to go at the planned departure time. You need to think ahead for your kids. You have to tell them what you want and when you want it. Be a leader. It’s your job as parent.
Be careful what rules you set and what orders you issue
When you issue rules that say “if you do X, then Y will happen”, you have to follow through. Consistency is everything. You have to keep your word. Don’t make threats, idle or otherwise. Think of them as promises, because you are dedicated to keeping your word and delivering the promised punishment.
Non-specific punishments for older children
With older children, try not to issue rules like “if you do X, then Y will happen”. These statements lock you into a specific course of action. Circumstances can get complicated and you might like some leeway in the punishment. These kinds of rules also give the child a chance to weigh the punishment against the offense. For example, “Dad said if I came home after 11 pm he would ground me for a week. I have a term paper due next Monday anyway and need to stay home and work on it, so I will break the curfew and stay out until 2am tonight.” If you leave the punishment unspecified, they have no idea how severe or light it will be. More often than not, they will imagine a more horrible punishment than you would have thought of anyway, and obedience is therefore more likely.
Let your child suggest their own punishment
But don’t abdicate your authority and responsibility.
Be diligent about enforcing your rules in public as well as at home
Some kids discover that mom and dad are reluctant to spank them when they are in public, so misbehave just because they can. You have to exercise your authority (spank) at the library, grocery store, and church just as you do at home. You cannot be embarrassed to discipline your child in a public setting. In fact, you should be embarrassed NOT to discipline your child in a public setting. Other parents will nod their heads knowingly if you do your job as a parent.
Eat some of everything.
This is another battle to be won early to avoid misery later on. It will not hurt your kid to miss a meal, or two. Insist that they eat some of everything. You decide how much. It’s okay for them to have likes and dislikes. If they refuse to eat something, it is not a spanking offense. They simply do not get dessert, or any snacks, or a beverage other than water until the next meal. You put the untouched item away and you bring it out for the next meal. They don’t get to eat anything at the next meal until they have eaten a sufficient quantity of the untouched item. This teaches them that they might as well eat it the first time around. It is quite a sight when the child refuses to eat any broccoli at night, and then is required to eat it in the morning for breakfast. It is also quite instructive when they refuse something at lunch, and then don’t get a snack or soft-drink mid-afternoon with their siblings, end up quite hungry by dinner, and then have to eat what they previously refused. If they are hungry enough, they will eat anything.
Taking parenting classes at every opportunity
When the kids were growing up we took every parenting class we could find. We attended several classes through our church. I attended a class for fathers through the elementary school. We went to a class on “The Strong Willed Child”. Even if your kid is not “strong willed”, kids will challenge you sufficiently that a class like this is well worth the time. Hell, ALL kids are strong willed, ask any parent. Each age has its own special challenges and you cannot be too prepared. Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. Go to class.
Catch your kids being good and praise them for it. Reward good behavior.
Speak highly of your kids to others, especially when your kids can overhear the conversation. It gives them motivation
Eat dinner as a family
Schedules can get wild and crazy as the kids get involved in activities, but make this a priority. If you search the web you will find there is substantial research supporting the many positive effects of the family meal. Good grades and good behavior have a high correlation coefficient to the family meal. The cause and effect may be the other way around. It may be that good families who are raising good children generally have a family dinner. That’s fine with me.
Turn off the TV and teach your kids to have an adult conversation. Ask them about their day and encourage them to share their successes and failures. Don’t be critical or they will learn to keep their failures secret from you. You want completely open communication with your children. Don’t punish them for delivering bad news or you will never hear anything but good news in the future. This is just hiding from reality.
Apologize
You are going to make mistakes. Apologize to your children. Don’t pretend that the rules of society and proper behavior don’t apply to you. When you screw up, apologize. Explain what you did and how it was wrong. Parents already appear to be god-like to children. Teach them that you are human by apologizing for your mistakes. Let them learn from your mistakes as well as their own. This is another step towards the respect you seek.
Speak correctly
Use age appropriate words. Talk in sentences. Let your kids learn English by speaking correctly. People don’t say “goo-goo” and other baby gibberish. Your kid is supposed to mimic you, not the other way around.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Get in the habit early so it is easy and natural during the high-stakes teenage years.
Insist that your kids behave as courteously to you as they would to a neighbor.
Just because you are a family doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful. Because you are all living together in one house it is all the more important to observe common courtesies and civil behavior.
Never shout.
Is it even necessary to say that? You can say something with great fervor in a soft voice. Your kid’s hearing is just fine. Shouting is verbal abuse in my book.
Keep your temper
Your kids will try to make you lose your temper. If they succeed, they will have exercised their control of you. “Look what I made Dad do. I made him lose his temper”. Keep your cool. Be an adult.
Never discipline kids when angry
Disciplining when angry can lead to, or be perceived as, violence, which is child abuse. You need to be able to calmly explain the offense, what should have been done, and the corrective action you are taking. While it is best to discipline offenses immediately so the child gets the correlation between the two, if you are too angry, explain this to the child and remove yourself until you are calm.
Have fun
Get in touch with your inner child and think up activities that would be fun for kids. Go places. Do things. Find abnormal ways of do normal things. Normal is boring. Abnormal is fun. Start a worm farm. Catch bugs. Eat cake without hands or feet. Be creative.
I am sure there is more if I think about it, but I am tired of thinking about it and I am tired of the topic. This took several days to write. Maybe I will come back to this another time. Perhaps my family will read this someday and remind me of other pearls of wisdom. There are plenty of parenting books on the shelves of libraries and bookstores that are written by experts. I am just a dad with two of the greatest kids on the planet. What do I know? (Dads are like that)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
My First Loves
I loved wrestling for all the reasons I mentioned earlier. Still love it. I'd have given anything to be good at it. The requirements of strength, speed, endurance, and skill; testing yourself against others in the wrestling room; the camaraderie of the team, sharing the same hardships of practice; learning new tricks; teaching rookies, and accomplishing the unexpected. Whats not to love?
So the question still remaining from the very first post here is how did I change from a competitive coward to this alleged (And I so hope it is true) velociraptor? If this happened, and I feel obligated to say if because I am not entirely convinced, it would have to be through the sports of track and cross county.
I’d been wrestling with my oldest brother and my dad on the living room carpet since my earliest memories. I certainly learned some competitive attitudes at home as they were both tough nuts and great fun to wrestle. I tried baseball through the ninth grade and was never any good at it. Tried church league basketball and did not care for it; it being basketball, not church. I swam all summer long at the pool and the lakes and reservoirs, but was too young to realize that the world had competitions for this sort of thing. (Who’d a thunk it?) We played croquet, badminton, and table tennis. We had a boat and skied most weekends weather permitting. I rode my bike everywhere but again, I never heard of bike racing. Soccer hadn’t arrived from Europe yet in the 1960’s. The only activity I could compete in, and actually cared about, was wrestling.
My oldest brother ran cross country to get in shape for wrestling when he was in high school. So naturally, when cross country became available to me in high school, I went out. My brother had no great success at cross county that I can recall, so I wasn’t expecting much of myself, and neither did my family. To the great surprise of all, most of all myself, I was good at it.
Cross country and track fit my personality and allowed me to compete in a passive-aggressive fashion. Better yet, Dad didn’t know much about either sport! Distance running required a great deal of work and discipline. Some were more talented than others, but the talent was meaningless without putting in the miles. A lesser runner could beat the more talented runner by putting in more miles. There were no tricks or moves or plays that could cause you to lose. You lost because you did not do the miles, or you were not born with the heart, lungs, slow-twitch fibers, and capillary system of the other guy AND failed to do the miles. There was only one winner, but there was no shame in losing as there were plenty of other guys out there who shared the same fate.
Wrestling was a zero-sum game. You won or lost. The joy of victory or the agony of defeat; there was no other measurement. In running there was this same aspect, but there were others as well. Was your time better than last week, last month, or last year at this time? Where did you place last year at this meet? Did you lose by less to your nemesis this week than two weeks ago? Did you beat somebody new and by how much? Do you think you can do it again? Have you got more miles in than last year at this point and what difference are you seeing in the results?
Running wasn’t about winning and losing. Running was about getting better than you ever were before. Running was about testing and finding the limit of your ability.
So the question still remaining from the very first post here is how did I change from a competitive coward to this alleged (And I so hope it is true) velociraptor? If this happened, and I feel obligated to say if because I am not entirely convinced, it would have to be through the sports of track and cross county.
I’d been wrestling with my oldest brother and my dad on the living room carpet since my earliest memories. I certainly learned some competitive attitudes at home as they were both tough nuts and great fun to wrestle. I tried baseball through the ninth grade and was never any good at it. Tried church league basketball and did not care for it; it being basketball, not church. I swam all summer long at the pool and the lakes and reservoirs, but was too young to realize that the world had competitions for this sort of thing. (Who’d a thunk it?) We played croquet, badminton, and table tennis. We had a boat and skied most weekends weather permitting. I rode my bike everywhere but again, I never heard of bike racing. Soccer hadn’t arrived from Europe yet in the 1960’s. The only activity I could compete in, and actually cared about, was wrestling.
My oldest brother ran cross country to get in shape for wrestling when he was in high school. So naturally, when cross country became available to me in high school, I went out. My brother had no great success at cross county that I can recall, so I wasn’t expecting much of myself, and neither did my family. To the great surprise of all, most of all myself, I was good at it.
Cross country and track fit my personality and allowed me to compete in a passive-aggressive fashion. Better yet, Dad didn’t know much about either sport! Distance running required a great deal of work and discipline. Some were more talented than others, but the talent was meaningless without putting in the miles. A lesser runner could beat the more talented runner by putting in more miles. There were no tricks or moves or plays that could cause you to lose. You lost because you did not do the miles, or you were not born with the heart, lungs, slow-twitch fibers, and capillary system of the other guy AND failed to do the miles. There was only one winner, but there was no shame in losing as there were plenty of other guys out there who shared the same fate.
Wrestling was a zero-sum game. You won or lost. The joy of victory or the agony of defeat; there was no other measurement. In running there was this same aspect, but there were others as well. Was your time better than last week, last month, or last year at this time? Where did you place last year at this meet? Did you lose by less to your nemesis this week than two weeks ago? Did you beat somebody new and by how much? Do you think you can do it again? Have you got more miles in than last year at this point and what difference are you seeing in the results?
Running wasn’t about winning and losing. Running was about getting better than you ever were before. Running was about testing and finding the limit of your ability.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Gifted Athlete
The guy who wrestled varsity in front of me in high school ended up second at the state tournament. He was a gifted wrestler. He had moves that he threw so quickly that I had no idea what he had just done to me. I don’t know if it was a move I knew, and knew how to counter, or not. It was done so quickly that it was over before I could identify the move. He had a sense of balance and body presence; knew which way was up and down at all times, most importantly when he was in the middle of a move which required him to roll or spin upside down, and knew where you were in midair.
The best part of my classmate’s gift was his confidence. He knew he was good. He was confident he would win. Regrettably that confidence led him not to work at it, but let’s belabor that point later. He was not afraid to throw moves at guys. He was sure if this one move failed he could counter the other guy’s counter move, and win points with his own move. You have to be brave and bold to win at wrestling. You cannot care whether you give up a point, or a couple points, or throw a move badly. You cannot care ultimately whether you win or lose. It has to be all balls to the wall and don’t give a damn what happens or what anyone might say about it from the beginning to the very end. I am talking balls here, big brass ones.
As much as I admired my classmate’s wrestling and athletic ability, I hated his work ethic. How could God grant him such a wonderful gift when he was so lazy in developing it? I wanted so badly to possess what he had, and he was wasting it. I practiced with him a few times and he spent most of the time avoiding anything that resembled effort. He did the bare minimum. Lying around on the mat doing nothing seemed to be his favorite pastime. I hoped to learn what he knew, but I suspect that he knew very little. He was a natural, that’s all. I could have been better, and he could have been better by our working together, but frankly, he was a waste of my time. I was never going to beat him without wrestling him in practice and learning his moves, but since he did nothing in practice and thereby kept whatever he did know secret, he would always beat me with his natural ability.
I was a decent wrestler in practice. I could beat my athletically gifted classmate in practice once, but I could not beat him the two out of three times necessary to make the varsity. I could beat all of the JV guys in my weight class, and all of the JV guys in the weight class above me, and all of the JV guys in the weight class below me. I just (Yeah, just. If she had balls she’d be king. That variety of “just”.) I just (There is that word again, “just”, like, is that all that is holding you back?) could not beat the varsity guy at my weight, or the varsity guy in the weight class above, or the varsity guy at the weight class below. Adding or losing weight wasn’t going to improve matters a bit.
Though I have pointed out my classmate’s gifts, the real cause of my failure was mine. I beat me. I was passive. I was scared. I was a coward. I was afraid. I was afraid of failure and I was afraid of my father’s criticism. That isn’t Dad’s fault. That is MY fault as a teenager. My excuse is I had a wimpy teenage brain and psyche trapped in a teenage body. How I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I was fine in practice. Practice was a safe place. I was fine as a junior varsity wrestler. Nobody notices or cares what happens on the JV squad. But in my too few varsity matches, when my athletically gifted but academically challenged colleague was academically ineligible, I would shoot for a take-down on a guy’s legs and not finish the move. I’d just hold onto his legs in a death grip until the ref called a stalemate. The other guy couldn’t score a point and neither could I. Nothing good could happen, but better yet, nothing BAD could happen either. Of course my dad later criticized me for shooting on the guys legs and not finishing the move. I should have known. I did not say my choices made any logical sense. I was a teenager and logical thinking was in short supply.
If I am going to be the least bit honest in these musings, and I am not sure that I am up to being completely honest at all, I was afraid of my gifted classmate. My classmate was a young angry black man. This was a mostly white high school in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and the time was the late 1960’s when the civil rights movement was at its peak. I did not understand all that was going on at that time, but I did understand that he did not like me one little bit. I’d like to think it wasn’t me personally that he didn’t like. I’d like to think he just disliked WASPS and what they represented to him during that era. I don’t recall ever doing anything that would anger him other than trying to win his varsity slot and trying to make him work in practice. Anyway, he seemed to hate me and I was completely intimidated by this athletically talented angry young black man. An intimidated wrestler is not going to win. I lost two out of three to him, regularly.
Several years later I received news that my classmate had been convicted of murder.
The best part of my classmate’s gift was his confidence. He knew he was good. He was confident he would win. Regrettably that confidence led him not to work at it, but let’s belabor that point later. He was not afraid to throw moves at guys. He was sure if this one move failed he could counter the other guy’s counter move, and win points with his own move. You have to be brave and bold to win at wrestling. You cannot care whether you give up a point, or a couple points, or throw a move badly. You cannot care ultimately whether you win or lose. It has to be all balls to the wall and don’t give a damn what happens or what anyone might say about it from the beginning to the very end. I am talking balls here, big brass ones.
As much as I admired my classmate’s wrestling and athletic ability, I hated his work ethic. How could God grant him such a wonderful gift when he was so lazy in developing it? I wanted so badly to possess what he had, and he was wasting it. I practiced with him a few times and he spent most of the time avoiding anything that resembled effort. He did the bare minimum. Lying around on the mat doing nothing seemed to be his favorite pastime. I hoped to learn what he knew, but I suspect that he knew very little. He was a natural, that’s all. I could have been better, and he could have been better by our working together, but frankly, he was a waste of my time. I was never going to beat him without wrestling him in practice and learning his moves, but since he did nothing in practice and thereby kept whatever he did know secret, he would always beat me with his natural ability.
I was a decent wrestler in practice. I could beat my athletically gifted classmate in practice once, but I could not beat him the two out of three times necessary to make the varsity. I could beat all of the JV guys in my weight class, and all of the JV guys in the weight class above me, and all of the JV guys in the weight class below me. I just (Yeah, just. If she had balls she’d be king. That variety of “just”.) I just (There is that word again, “just”, like, is that all that is holding you back?) could not beat the varsity guy at my weight, or the varsity guy in the weight class above, or the varsity guy at the weight class below. Adding or losing weight wasn’t going to improve matters a bit.
Though I have pointed out my classmate’s gifts, the real cause of my failure was mine. I beat me. I was passive. I was scared. I was a coward. I was afraid. I was afraid of failure and I was afraid of my father’s criticism. That isn’t Dad’s fault. That is MY fault as a teenager. My excuse is I had a wimpy teenage brain and psyche trapped in a teenage body. How I wish I could go back and do it all over again. I was fine in practice. Practice was a safe place. I was fine as a junior varsity wrestler. Nobody notices or cares what happens on the JV squad. But in my too few varsity matches, when my athletically gifted but academically challenged colleague was academically ineligible, I would shoot for a take-down on a guy’s legs and not finish the move. I’d just hold onto his legs in a death grip until the ref called a stalemate. The other guy couldn’t score a point and neither could I. Nothing good could happen, but better yet, nothing BAD could happen either. Of course my dad later criticized me for shooting on the guys legs and not finishing the move. I should have known. I did not say my choices made any logical sense. I was a teenager and logical thinking was in short supply.
If I am going to be the least bit honest in these musings, and I am not sure that I am up to being completely honest at all, I was afraid of my gifted classmate. My classmate was a young angry black man. This was a mostly white high school in Cedar Rapids, Iowa and the time was the late 1960’s when the civil rights movement was at its peak. I did not understand all that was going on at that time, but I did understand that he did not like me one little bit. I’d like to think it wasn’t me personally that he didn’t like. I’d like to think he just disliked WASPS and what they represented to him during that era. I don’t recall ever doing anything that would anger him other than trying to win his varsity slot and trying to make him work in practice. Anyway, he seemed to hate me and I was completely intimidated by this athletically talented angry young black man. An intimidated wrestler is not going to win. I lost two out of three to him, regularly.
Several years later I received news that my classmate had been convicted of murder.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Competition (Revised)
I recently stated on Facebook that I felt like a dinosaur. Born in 1952, I have no interest in cell phones, and Blackberries. Not too excited yet about Twitter and Facebook. It is possible that I could warm up to these, but I remain a cautious skeptic. How these things will benefit me personally is yet to be proven. I saw a blue hair (old person) at lunch today with one of those earpiece phones that blinked from time to time, like she was a Borg from Star Trek. Good for her, she is convinced. I don’t desire any of these things, so far, so yeah, I feel like a dinosaur.
My daughter commented that “The question is, what type of dinosaur? Competition-wise, you’re a bit of a velociraptor.” I am honored and pleased with that assessment, but it was not always so. I was a passive competitor for so many years. I will get back to this about 10 paragraphs later.
My dad was a hot-tempered man of strong opinions. He believed what he believed, and if you did not agree, well, you were just wrong. Dad did a fine job of expressing himself, but would do so in a manner that lacked a certain sensitivity towards others feelings. I loved him, he was my father, but that did not make him a saint. He had many fine qualities, but it was his eccentricities that were difficult for me to handle as a child, and made me timid in my early years.
I noticed early on that Dad admired great athletes in all sports, and was immensely proud of my oldest brother who was, by my estimation, an excellent wrestler and great athlete. Like all boys, I wanted to please my father, so I eventually overcame my timidity and did get up the nerve to try wrestling. My Dad wrestled for Iowa when he was in college and my brother was good at it, so I tried it, hoping that by some miracle of genetics that I might possess the necessary attributes to be successful.
All sports considered, wrestlers are the best all-around athletes. Wrestling requires speed, strength, endurance, and most of all, confidence. In addition to requiring the greatest athleticism, it also requires technical knowledge and practiced skills; all of which is meaningless without the bravery of a gladiator in the coliseum. You are out there on the mat with no place to hide, no teammate to rely on, no one else to blame for your success or failure. It is the ultimate in machismo, a man on man moment. One goes home a winner, the other experiences a defeat witnessed by the entire gymnasium and all of your peers.
My daughter commented that “The question is, what type of dinosaur? Competition-wise, you’re a bit of a velociraptor.” I am honored and pleased with that assessment, but it was not always so. I was a passive competitor for so many years. I will get back to this about 10 paragraphs later.
My dad was a hot-tempered man of strong opinions. He believed what he believed, and if you did not agree, well, you were just wrong. Dad did a fine job of expressing himself, but would do so in a manner that lacked a certain sensitivity towards others feelings. I loved him, he was my father, but that did not make him a saint. He had many fine qualities, but it was his eccentricities that were difficult for me to handle as a child, and made me timid in my early years.
I noticed early on that Dad admired great athletes in all sports, and was immensely proud of my oldest brother who was, by my estimation, an excellent wrestler and great athlete. Like all boys, I wanted to please my father, so I eventually overcame my timidity and did get up the nerve to try wrestling. My Dad wrestled for Iowa when he was in college and my brother was good at it, so I tried it, hoping that by some miracle of genetics that I might possess the necessary attributes to be successful.
All sports considered, wrestlers are the best all-around athletes. Wrestling requires speed, strength, endurance, and most of all, confidence. In addition to requiring the greatest athleticism, it also requires technical knowledge and practiced skills; all of which is meaningless without the bravery of a gladiator in the coliseum. You are out there on the mat with no place to hide, no teammate to rely on, no one else to blame for your success or failure. It is the ultimate in machismo, a man on man moment. One goes home a winner, the other experiences a defeat witnessed by the entire gymnasium and all of your peers.
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