Parenting Wisdom

Today I am going to indulge myself and write up some of the principles Jean and I used raising two of the most incredible children I have had the pleasure to know. Parents want their children to be better than they are. I know that mine are. They tell me that all the time.


35 years old
Keep in mind what you want your child to be like when they are 35 years old. Your goal is to raise a self-sufficient adult of good character. Each decision you make while raising your kid should have that goal at its foundation. You are not going to be here forever, your days are numbered, so get the job done sooner rather than later. Before you know it they will be going off to college and you will be left wondering whether you instructed them properly on a host of subjects.

Unified Front
You have to agree on the rules as a couple and stick to them. You cannot have differences. Kids are smart and will manipulate the hell out of the weaker partner. Stand together and support each other. This is a team effort and you will have a better chance of surviving those devious little demons if you keep that in mind. Children are born savages and you have 18 years to civilize them before unleashing them on an unsuspecting world.

Role Model
Your kids are watching you and learning from you all the time. They are the world’s greatest mimics. They are going to become you Be careful what you do. Be careful what you say. You are going to see yourself through your child’s behavior. So don’t just set high standards for them. Set high standards for yourself. Some day your kid is going to say “Oh my god, I’ve become my father!” Behave in such a way that they will be proud to make that statement.

Administer physical punishment when your authority is challenged
Childish irresponsibility is one thing; you don’t spank kids for accidents like spilled milk. However, when they defy your authority you must take swift and decisive action. This is an absolute must if you are to be in command of your own household. If you do not meet their defiance decisively, your child will soon be in command of you and the house. Don’t be a wimp. If in doubt, err on the side of reaffirming your authority with a mild swat on the backside. You have to win these battles when they are little. You cannot wait until they are teenagers and bigger than you are and then attempt to establish who is in charge!

There is an important difference in being liked versus being respected. It is human nature to want to be liked. We want our children to like us. The danger is to neglect disciplining our children in an effort to be liked. It isn’t important whether or not your child likes you. If you are going to correctly discipline your child there are going to be plenty of occasions when they do not like you. You need to get comfortable with their occasional displeasure and take it as a sign that you are doing your job correctly. What you actually want is to be respected.

One finger on the car
When you are in big parking lots unloading kids, strollers, diaper bags, and other gear, you don’t want the kids wandering around the parking lot getting run over. First of all, park out a little ways from the store to limit the traffic around your rug rats. The exercise will be good for you and the kids. When you get the kids out of the car insist that they keep one finger touching the car at all times until you put them in the buggy, stroller, or are ready to hold their hands and walk into the store. Since this can literally be a matter of life and death, you have to insist on absolute obedience. If they should remove their finger for an instant, it should merit a mild swat on the backside to get their attention. Kids are smart. They will quickly get the correlation that they do not get swatted if they keep their hands on the car, and quickly get swatted when not touching the car.

Bedtime secret missions
The fictional Mary Poppins was successful because she made a game out of everything. When it is time to pick up the toys at night, whisper to them what color toys to pick up and NOT TELL MOM. Then give them the mission of putting on their PJ bottoms only and report back to the living room. Putting on their tops backwards could be the next mission, or putting on each other’s tops, or bringing their tops downstairs and dressing each other. They could walk backwards to Mom and give her a hug. Just be imaginative and break it down to many steps that last a long time giving both parents a break and keeping the kids entertained. Not telling the other parent what they are up to seems to be the best part of the exercise. Don’t get them all cranked up and excited. They are supposed to be calming down for bed.

Routine
Routines are important. Your life will be easier if you have a number of routines in your daily schedule. Kids learn fast. Bedtime needs to be the same time every night. Be as consistent as you can, but don’t be an absolute slave to routine. Routines can minimize the number of battles you have to face each day. Routines make your life more pleasant. Routines make their life more pleasant.

Expectations versus surprises
This is a corollary to routines. Kids don’t like surprises. Let them know what to expect. They can adjust if they know what is going on. Let the kids know what is coming up well in advance. Remind them that you are all going to be doing “X” in 30 minutes. Repeat the reminder as time passes with suggestions that lead toward finishing their current activity and towards being ready for what comes next. If it is a trip, have them get whatever gear they need and want for the trip so they are ready to go at the planned departure time. You need to think ahead for your kids. You have to tell them what you want and when you want it. Be a leader. It’s your job as parent.

Be careful what rules you set and what orders you issue
When you issue rules that say “if you do X, then Y will happen”, you have to follow through. Consistency is everything. You have to keep your word. Don’t make threats, idle or otherwise. Think of them as promises, because you are dedicated to keeping your word and delivering the promised punishment.

Non-specific punishments for older children
With older children, try not to issue rules like “if you do X, then Y will happen”. These statements lock you into a specific course of action. Circumstances can get complicated and you might like some leeway in the punishment. These kinds of rules also give the child a chance to weigh the punishment against the offense. For example, “Dad said if I came home after 11 pm he would ground me for a week. I have a term paper due next Monday anyway and need to stay home and work on it, so I will break the curfew and stay out until 2am tonight.” If you leave the punishment unspecified, they have no idea how severe or light it will be. More often than not, they will imagine a more horrible punishment than you would have thought of anyway, and obedience is therefore more likely.

Let your child suggest their own punishment
But don’t abdicate your authority and responsibility.

Be diligent about enforcing your rules in public as well as at home
Some kids discover that mom and dad are reluctant to spank them when they are in public, so misbehave just because they can. You have to exercise your authority (spank) at the library, grocery store, and church just as you do at home. You cannot be embarrassed to discipline your child in a public setting. In fact, you should be embarrassed NOT to discipline your child in a public setting. Other parents will nod their heads knowingly if you do your job as a parent.

Eat some of everything.
This is another battle to be won early to avoid misery later on. It will not hurt your kid to miss a meal, or two. Insist that they eat some of everything. You decide how much. It’s okay for them to have likes and dislikes. If they refuse to eat something, it is not a spanking offense. They simply do not get dessert, or any snacks, or a beverage other than water until the next meal. You put the untouched item away and you bring it out for the next meal. They don’t get to eat anything at the next meal until they have eaten a sufficient quantity of the untouched item. This teaches them that they might as well eat it the first time around. It is quite a sight when the child refuses to eat any broccoli at night, and then is required to eat it in the morning for breakfast. It is also quite instructive when they refuse something at lunch, and then don’t get a snack or soft-drink mid-afternoon with their siblings, end up quite hungry by dinner, and then have to eat what they previously refused. If they are hungry enough, they will eat anything.

Taking parenting classes at every opportunity
When the kids were growing up we took every parenting class we could find. We attended several classes through our church. I attended a class for fathers through the elementary school. We went to a class on “The Strong Willed Child”. Even if your kid is not “strong willed”, kids will challenge you sufficiently that a class like this is well worth the time. Hell, ALL kids are strong willed, ask any parent. Each age has its own special challenges and you cannot be too prepared. Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. Go to class.

Catch your kids being good and praise them for it. Reward good behavior.
Speak highly of your kids to others, especially when your kids can overhear the conversation. It gives them motivation

Eat dinner as a family
Schedules can get wild and crazy as the kids get involved in activities, but make this a priority. If you search the web you will find there is substantial research supporting the many positive effects of the family meal. Good grades and good behavior have a high correlation coefficient to the family meal. The cause and effect may be the other way around. It may be that good families who are raising good children generally have a family dinner. That’s fine with me.

Turn off the TV and teach your kids to have an adult conversation. Ask them about their day and encourage them to share their successes and failures. Don’t be critical or they will learn to keep their failures secret from you. You want completely open communication with your children. Don’t punish them for delivering bad news or you will never hear anything but good news in the future. This is just hiding from reality.

Apologize
You are going to make mistakes. Apologize to your children. Don’t pretend that the rules of society and proper behavior don’t apply to you. When you screw up, apologize. Explain what you did and how it was wrong. Parents already appear to be god-like to children. Teach them that you are human by apologizing for your mistakes. Let them learn from your mistakes as well as their own. This is another step towards the respect you seek.

Speak correctly
Use age appropriate words. Talk in sentences. Let your kids learn English by speaking correctly. People don’t say “goo-goo” and other baby gibberish. Your kid is supposed to mimic you, not the other way around.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
Get in the habit early so it is easy and natural during the high-stakes teenage years.

Insist that your kids behave as courteously to you as they would to a neighbor.
Just because you are a family doesn’t give anyone the right to be disrespectful. Because you are all living together in one house it is all the more important to observe common courtesies and civil behavior.

Never shout.
Is it even necessary to say that? You can say something with great fervor in a soft voice. Your kid’s hearing is just fine. Shouting is verbal abuse in my book.

Keep your temper
Your kids will try to make you lose your temper. If they succeed, they will have exercised their control of you. “Look what I made Dad do. I made him lose his temper”. Keep your cool. Be an adult.

Never discipline kids when angry
Disciplining when angry can lead to, or be perceived as, violence, which is child abuse. You need to be able to calmly explain the offense, what should have been done, and the corrective action you are taking. While it is best to discipline offenses immediately so the child gets the correlation between the two, if you are too angry, explain this to the child and remove yourself until you are calm.

Have fun
Get in touch with your inner child and think up activities that would be fun for kids. Go places. Do things. Find abnormal ways of do normal things. Normal is boring. Abnormal is fun. Start a worm farm. Catch bugs. Eat cake without hands or feet. Be creative.



I am sure there is more if I think about it, but I am tired of thinking about it and I am tired of the topic. This took several days to write. Maybe I will come back to this another time. Perhaps my family will read this someday and remind me of other pearls of wisdom. There are plenty of parenting books on the shelves of libraries and bookstores that are written by experts. I am just a dad with two of the greatest kids on the planet. What do I know? (Dads are like that)