Recovering Parent

I’ve often said that kids are born as savages and that we have 18 years in which to civilize them before they are unleashed on an unsuspecting world. Sadly, it wasn’t until each of the kids had already left home that I realized there were so many things I should have taught them or told them. I suppose I should apologize for doing an incomplete job. Should I apologize to the kids, or should I apologize to the world?

They say that it takes a village to raise a child. I wish we had found that village. It would have made my job a whole lot easier. Given that I did an incomplete job, maybe my kids will get lucky and wander into that village. It’s more likely that the village idiot will finish my job; thus my remorse.

At the point the kids left home it was totally too late to slip in those last words of wisdom. Whatever was not done is never going to get done. The kids are suddenly independent, and relishing the experience. They are making their own choices. They don’t want me intruding in their lives.

The restraint shown by my parents and Jean’s parents was miraculous. I can’t recall a single instance where I found them to be an unwelcome interfering factor in our lives. Now that I am the parent with absent children, I don’t see how it was possible. The inclination to second guess my kids decisions is so very strong. When they tell me about their lives I want to analyze their problems and tell them what to do.

I am simply admitting that these inclinations are there, and they are strong. Hi, my name is Tom and I am a parent. I am a recovering parent. I may be a parent, but I am not going to parent my children today. One day at a time I will resist the urge.

It is fortunate that I had 18 years to wean myself from being a parent. Each year the kids could do more and more for themselves and needed me less. The transition was so gradual that I barely noticed it happening. By the high school years they only needed me for money and a ride, and then they got their licenses.

My dad, Dick, used to tell a story about his early working years in Chicago. He had a particularly difficult problem at work that he was describing to his dad, Ray, and was asking what he should do about it. My grandfather Ray said to Dad, “Dick, you are there at work every day. You know the details of the problem and the job environment better than you will ever be able to explain to me. You are already better equipped to handle this problem than I will ever be.” or words to that effect.

I’ve thought of that story often over the years. It tells me that Ann and John are best equipped to solve their own problems. I might think I have a solution, but they will know best what solutions work for them. If the solution doesn’t suit them, then it isn’t a suitable solution. I am now too distant to be effective or useful.

So this is the task that I have set for myself; to follow the good example of my parents, Jean's parents, and grandfather Ray. I want Ann and John to share their lives with me along with their daily successes and failures, and I don't want them inhibited in doing so. I don’t want my being a parent to get in the way of that sharing. I don’t yet know how they can share their lives without me falling into my “parent mode”, but I trust that I will find the discipline to restrain myself, at least for today.

Hi. My name is Tom, and I am a recovering parent.